FESTY TINDER
FANTASY RECAPS

WEEK 1

Week 1 is done, and holy shit was it a mess. Some of you looked unstoppable, and others looked like they drafted drunk in a parking lot. If this week’s any sign, it’s gonna be a season full of bad decisions.

Blappy Pummeled by ScottyCathy, 126–108

Josh Allen did his best to drag Evan’s balding head across the finish line with 39 points, but the rest of Blappy’s squad looked like they pregamed with Blap Cam and sourdough starters instead of practicing. Kenneth Walker and Tony Pollard combined for a limp 13 points — flimsier than Evan’s Raiders playoff hopes every damn year. Meanwhile, Spencer’s team partied harder than he does at a Raiders tailgate, with Puka Nacua and McCaffrey absolutely torching Evan’s soft little roster. Spencer puked, rallied, and cruised to a 126–108 win, leaving Evan holding his cheesesteak throne with greasy hands and an L.

Welchie Smothers SPF 4 OIL, 133–114

Welchie rolled into Week 1 like the quiet emo kid who shows up with cupcakes, except this time he shoved them straight down Sam’s pale, lanky throat. Jalen Hurts and Emeka Egbuka went off while Sam’s corpse-like roster chewed on bottle caps and disappointment. Malik Nabers and DeVonta Smith both faceplanted, and D’Andre Swift looked about as lively as Sam trying to small-talk at a cocktail party — polite, but painful to watch. Welchie floated to first place with a 133–114 beatdown while Sam sulks in his SPF 4 basement, wondering why Annie ever married him.

Team Ramrod Hexes Chowd City Spirals, 126–96

John came in beard-first thinking Salem witchcraft would save him, but instead he got absolutely hexed by the league’s favorite trainwreck duo, Rob and Grant. Bo Nix puked up 9 points, which is basically the fantasy football version of Hughes rapping Eminem in his mom’s basement. Meanwhile, Ramrod’s WRs went nuclear — Higgins, Chase, and Flowers combined for nearly 60 points, financed of course by Grant’s VC money and Rob’s inability to say no to “mystery bags.” Chowd City Spirals faceplanted 96–126, proving even Dumb & Dumber can still win when the other guy sucks harder.

BigTimeCumGuy Barely Outsprays SHMEEEEEEE, 98–95

Chuck’s team lived up to its name, spraying just enough sloppy points around to edge out Shrieve in the ugliest win of the week. Dak Prescott barely cleared 7 points — that’s not a QB, that’s a cum rag. Meanwhile, Shrieve trotted out Xavier Worthy for a fat zero and let Chuba Hubbard lead his backfield like it was a fucking beer league. Chuck squeaked out a 98–95 win, proving Shrieve’s Traeger pellet smoker puts up more heat than his roster.

Latavius Kirby Edges Dad Dicks in Heartbreaker, 107.98–107.86

Ley lived up to his “Dad” nickname by putting everyone to sleep with a boring-ass 108, losing by literal decimal dust to short king Ned. Lamar Jackson tried to carry the old man with 29 points, but Nico Collins ghosted harder than that girl Ley accidentally turned gay. Meanwhile, Ned waddled his VC ass into a win on the back of Garrett Wilson and Baker Mayfield, who apparently isn’t completely washed. Latavius Kirby stood tallest with a 107.98–107.86 win, while Dad Dicks limped away breaking tables and hearts.

JJJ Destroys TireFlipper, 131–86

SRG put up a pathetic 86, which is what happens when you’ve got “crossfit has-been” energy but draft like you’re still driving Ronda the Civic. Joe Burrow coughed up 8 points, Amon-Ra disappeared, and the rest of his roster looked like they were too busy sipping natural wine to play football. Jonah, meanwhile, flexed his fat Korean head and rolled out Mahomes, Henry, and Conner to absolutely stomp him. JJJ cruised to a 131–86 demolition, proving once again that dating someone with the same name as your sister is cursed as hell — and now SRG has to shotgun a beer on video to really seal the humiliation.

highest score

Welchie

133 points

LOWest SCORE

TireFlipper

86 points

biggest blowout

JJJ

45 points