FESTY TINDER
FANTASY RECAPS
Week 2 brought close calls, blowouts, and plenty of fuckups. SRG finally won, Hughes pulled off witchcraft, Ned stayed unbeaten, and Jonah got his fat head flattened in the week’s biggest wipeout.
TireFlipper Flips Welchie, 146–131
SRG flipped more than tires — Amon-Ra and JT dragged his Masshole ass to a win like Andrea drags him out of their thrupple arguments. Ryan’s cupcake-kid act was on full display, Hurts and Jones disappearing while he emo-cried like it was Warped Tour ‘06. TireFlipper takes it 146–131, and Welchie sulks home like a failed teacher writing poetry in eyeliner.
Chowd City Spirals Carve Up ScottyCathy, 115–112
Hughes cracked open his garage fridge of McGillicuddy’s and pulled some commissioner witchcraft to slip by Spencer in a close one. Smitty’s QB disaster tanked the week, and even his infamous stripper cop routine couldn’t save him — the crowd might’ve cheered the “egg scramble” closer, but his roster laid the real yolk. Chowd City Spirals squeaked it out 115–112, leaving Spencer stress-eating Domino’s breadsticks on another vacation he didn’t earn.
Latavius Kirby Tops BigTimeCumGuy, 120–113
Ned skipped the draft for a Catalina yacht bender and still lucked into Coleman and Odunze carrying his VC bankroll. Chuck’s “Big Cum” routine sputtered out like a clogged bong, snake day grits nowhere to be found. Latavius Kirby waddled away with a 120–113 win, ketamine grin plastered on, while Chuck sat in Walnut Creek, cum rag in hand, wondering where it all went wrong.
Dad Dicks Beat Blappy Into the Dirt, 108–93
Ley stumbled back from Turkey and still had Lamar and Montgomery pound Evan’s head into the turf. Evan’s Blap Cam is dead, his cheesesteak heir routine produced nothing but grease stains, and his squad looked as dead as his Raiders in January. Dad Dicks rolled 108–93, with Ley celebrating by smashing tables and forgetting Tim the dog while Evan tried to DJ his way out of 0–2.
SPF 4 OIL Smothers SHMEEEEEEE, 131–119
Sam chewed up Shrieve the way he chews water bottles when he’s baked, fueled by Nabers detonating all over the scoreboard. Shrieve’s roster was softer than his Hermosa Beach garage security, Njoku the only one standing tall. SPF 4 OIL steamrolled 131–119, leaving Shrieve at 0–2 with nothing but skinny hats, a Traeger, and malware pop-ups to keep him company.
Team Ramrod Steamrolls JJJ, 122–86
Grant and Rob, Denver’s Dumb & Dumber, celebrated another win with a mystery bag while Ja’Marr and Mike Evans racked up points. Jonah’s curated Nashville Instagram schtick collapsed, his fat Korean head bobbing while Palmer the shitty dog barked louder than his entire roster. Team Ramrod violated JJJ 122–86, proving rails and VC cash will always bury molly cuddle puddles and wannabe surf vibes.
highest score
TireFlipper
146 points
LOWest SCORE
JJJ
86 points
biggest blowout
Team Ramrod
36 points
That’s Week 2 — Evan’s cheesesteak crown fell off, Chuck’s cum dried up, and Spencer’s puke-and-rally magic couldn’t save him. But Jonah takes the real shame with a pathetic 86, earning himself this week’s shotgun. Somebody get him a can and a timer.