FESTY TINDER
FANTASY RECAPS
Week 3 brought fireworks: Ley went nuclear, SRG wrecked Shrieve, and Sam embarrassed himself so badly Annie probably thought about logging into his team to fix it. Hughes coasted, Ryan handled business, Evan finally delivered, and Chuck proved that cum dries up in Walnut Creek.
Welchie Beats Team Ramrod Bloody, 119–79
Ryan rode Hurts and Adams like he was cranking out another Wells Fargo intake form, and this time the paperwork actually cleared. Grant and Rob flopped harder than Rob at Phillips Andover, Herbert coughing up mediocrity while Chase bailed like one of Rob’s wedding speeches. Welchie smoked them 119–79, leaving Ramrod as memorable as Grant’s Jeep Ranger with flames on the side.
Chowd City Spirals Sink JJJ, 97–80
Hughes leaned on Bijan and Daniel Jones, grinding out a win uglier than the beard oil dripping off his chin. Jonah’s curated Nashville lifestyle collapsed faster than his West Coast surf phase — Mahomes sleepwalked, Henry played like he was still hungover at a country bar, and the rest of his squad ghosted harder than Palmer mid-turd. Spirals steal it 97–80, while Jonah sulks in his designer jeans wondering why Julia’s juggs are still outperforming his roster.
Blappy Blasts BigTimeCumGuy, 133–90
Evan ditched the sourdough starter and finally fed his team — Josh Allen and Kenneth Walker made him look like DJ Blap at peak Warped Tour. Chuck’s roster was as weak as his khakis at a work happy hour, Dak spraying interceptions while Saquon hid like one of Chuck’s “strong cocktails” after three grits. Blappy ran him 133–90, and Chuck is back in Walnut Creek cleaning imaginary cum stains off his boat shoes.
Dad Dicks Rail ScottyCathy, 191–140
Ley lit up the board like it was Gus, Frankie, and Rocco’s birthday rolled into one, Lamar and Montgomery hammering Spencer into dust. Smitty’s squad had all the staying power of one of his tarantula joints — Maye, DK, and CMC puking more than his acid reflux at a Raiders tailgate. Dad Dicks smashed 191–140, while Spencer drowned his sorrows in another undeserved vacation.
Latavius Kirby Dumps SPF 4 OIL, 112–72
Ned barely had to try — Baker and Gibbs carried while he coasted like it was another Catalina yacht day. Sam’s team was lifeless, bricked by Penix and Nabers, and Achane gave the kind of limp effort you’d expect from a guy nicknamed Lerch. Latavius Kirby cruised 112–72, leaving Sam pale, tall, and completely useless at fantasy football.
TireFlipper Eviscerates SHMEEEEEEE, 171–101
SRG channeled his CrossFit ghost, dropping 171 like he was back captaining lacrosse — Caleb and JT bulldozed through Shrieve’s beach bum roster. Chris’s team was as flimsy as one of his skinny hats, Love throwing like malware and Jefferson quieter than Shrieve hunting down password leaks. TireFlipper crushed 171–101, proving Sean Ryan's wine bar Sundays deliver more muscle than Shrieve’s Hermosa volleyball “workouts.”
highest score
Dad Dicks
191 points
LOWest SCORE
SPF 4 OIL
72 points
biggest blowout
TireFlipper
71 points
Week 3 had blowouts, duds, and a couple of lucky breaks, but the league’s starting to separate the real contenders from the dead weight. And for now, Sam’s holding the shotgun — bottoms up, bud.